WEBVTT

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[Music]

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Now we tape an episode every day of a

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television show and some days we work

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hard on it some days not so much, anyway

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in a lot of ways it's a very typical

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work environment okay just a very

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typical office environment and

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occasionally as in any office.

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Injustices occur among the coworkers

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all right and since I'm the boss I feel

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that I'm the one who needs to address

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these injustices and keep everything

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in the workplace nice and fair well

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yesterday something came up that I

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decided I needed to address, we actually 
have it on video

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take a look. There's a lot of free food

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that comes into our office gifts

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different shows companies they send

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great stuff here cakes candies and

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people really enjoy eating it the

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problem is there's never enough to go

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around recently we found out that

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there's a secret email list that goes

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around

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alerting certain special people on staff

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that there's food here and they can come

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get it before anyone else has a chance

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so what we've done is we've set out a

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nice big ice cream cake and some cookies

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and some fruit a table I've got an email

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right here we found the email list the

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secret email list and I'm gonna send

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this out right now it says our friends

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at ease sent over an awesome-looking ice

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cream cake and some tasty snacks

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we'll go fast looks delicious second

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floor conference room now I'm gonna send

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this out I'm going to see which rats

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come to nibble on this unit actually the

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act there's a hidden camera in the

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conference room and as you can see the

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food is out bombs away

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okay the message has been released and

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now we wait and see who shows up there

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we go

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okay okay Sharon Hardy's in first

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okay what's going on what's going on

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okay you were tell he was told there was

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cake you were told in an email that went

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out to everybody on staff yes okay so

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just a few people were alerted that

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there was cake

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have you ever had any feelings of guilt

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like I'm getting tipped off before

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everyone else so I can get that nice

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do you ever felt guilt a little bit yeah

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you feel you've spoken to me but it

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didn't stop me from doing it you do you

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feel any guilt

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I will there was a time when I was not

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on the list

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and I'm glad I'm on the list now we're

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just glad that you're in a lifeboat you

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don't care about the other souls in the

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water

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yes okay I have a question for you the

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cake says congratulations from your

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friends at E did you have any questions

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about what we might be yes we all said that

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said what? I wonder what we're being congratulated for

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yeah, we thought maybe we're moving to eat

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That was like our next network,

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You're on such thin ice with me pal, okay. 

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I think this is a traffic the whole

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foodies line up, you call yourselves the

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foodies? well that's what the email list

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is called, it's called the foodies

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here Sharon you're in such deep trouble

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right now first of all can I say I was

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watching

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we had a closed-circuit cameras watching

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you came in the room and you went right

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for the cake other people kind of walked

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around shy you went right for the cake

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and cut into it and you weren't you

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promoted recently yes you were promoted

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I showed my trust and love for you by

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promoting you and this is how you repay

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me how come I wasn't on the list didn't

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any of you ever think hey Conan his

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name's on the show he's the guy that

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makes it happen he wants to put him on

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the list be honest I never thought about

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it no I didn't realise you had an email address

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I thought you had enough things so I just wanted something 

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for my own. I like names who's not here

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who's usually here name names Cristian Lynch, Sarah Brono 
Jordan would be here, Jordan

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comes here a lot yes yeah should we go

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get Jordan let's get him let's go, Jordan

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what tell me a little bit about the

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secret food list what are you talking

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about there's an email list that goes out

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to special privileged people so that

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they can know about good food that's

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come to the show ahead of everybody else

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what's wrong with that what why not save

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it for those enjoy the most how are you

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to determine who enjoys what the most I

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never claimed that I'm the one that

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makes that determination so did you get

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the email today that there was ice cream

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cake people love just shoving food in

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their mouth and may not appreciate what

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they're eating why not save it for those

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that appreciate it. Oh My God

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have you been reading Ayn Rand novels 
so you think that you're

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superior? You people think you're better than

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everyone else that you appreciate food

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more than other people, No. so you feel

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nothing you feel no shame no I don't

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feel any shame why would I feel any shame

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have you seen that email would you have

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gone in and taken the ice cream cake if

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there was an occasion to celebrate I

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would have, out of respect for the other

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person I don't particularly want ice

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cream cake right now how about some

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extra-virgin Napa Valley olive oil why

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do you have this on your desk I like to

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have things on my desk that I enjoy

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really, that's funny

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I don't see any gay porn, sorry. I'm told

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that more people have shown up in the

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conference room let's go see!

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How long have you been on this secret email list

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since the beginning and you never once

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thought hey Conan's not here I don't

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think about you, except when I'm on camera

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What? This is the foodies list you don't eat, yeah

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what are you talking about? It's not

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really the foodies list it's more the

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fatties list it's not I I can't Sharon Hardy

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Hardy she's skinny as a rail how'd you

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get that frosting on your shirt? You know how I got

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this, when I caught Sharon Hardy she

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started trying to explain herself and

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she spit frosting on to me

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she really did, ridiculous

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there this is what it's all about isn't

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oh oh this is delicious

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well anyway I think that pretty much

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wraps up this episode of let's catch

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people eating cake, what a waste of

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everyone's time.

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[Applause]